The Tale of Thamizh Quiz

Who doesn’t love a Quiz? It is engaging, thought provoking, competitive and above all, it is pure unadulterated fun. So, when I was planning on conducting an event for the annual Pongal Celebrations Vasantham, an idea struck me. We have had Movie Quiz, Mythology Quiz, B-Quiz, SpEnt Quiz conducted on Campus, but never a Thamizh Quiz. What’s a Thamizh Quiz? Technically, it is the same old Quizzing wine served on a new Bottle titled Thamizh. It involves framing questions that sound alien on first reading, but has breadcrumbs enough to find the trail to an answer, the answer having a Thamizh connect- literature, movies, history, people, et al. The event became an instant hit that I followed it up for Vasantham 2015 too. This is the tale of the Thamizh Quiz, a solemn voice of Thamizh sung in English.

Consider this Question.”X means ‘self-speak’ or one’s own speech. X is one of the few Tamizh words which have all forms of phonemes-The nasal, The Hard vowel and the Medium vowel. X was first mentioned in Tholkaapiyam, but surprisingly, the word is never mentioned in Thirukkural. What is X?” The question sounds tedious and is encoded with a lot of trivia, but the answer is easily decodable. Infact the answer is specified in the Question itself! The word is Thamizh, which has Vallinam ‘Tha’, Mellinam ‘Ma’ and Idaiyinam ‘Zha’ in it. In a surprisingly curious manner we have also learnt that the word Thamizh is never mentioned in Thirukural, truly making it a Universal Literary Work. Sounds Fun?

Being  QuizMaster :) !

The best quiz questions are the ones which have a story to it, which combines beauty, breadth and balance, all in a well-framed question. “The giant swing in Bangkok hosts one of the 12 Royal Ceremonies of Thailand where holy verses from literary works Tri-Bave and Tri-Yampavai are recited. These works are Thai translations of original Thamizh works X and Y.” Needless to say, X is Thirupaavai and Y is Thiruvempaavai, holy verses on Vishnu and Shiva respectively. Here’s another. “Connect these. Antiquity, Harmony, Clarity, Independent, Serenity, Idealism Universality, Reason, Order, Humanism.” All these qualities are the criteria for a classical language status. Thamizh is one of the 6 recognized classical languages, and the more profound fact is that it is the only one which is still in wide usage amongst common speakers. That is not an easy question to crack.

One reason for conducting this Quiz was to bridge the gap between what we want to know and what we should know. We know a lot more about a Foreign Football Club than our own mother tongue. We are very much disconnected with our roots, because fundamentally we don’t take pride in our cultural and linguistic backgrounds. We have to wonder why we keep distance from our identities and pretend to be someone who we are not, trapping ourselves in places where we don’t belong.

One of the Connect Questions displayed pictures of Anaconda, Cheetah, Cash, Mango and Ginger, asking for a specific connect between them. A lot of connections are possible, and that is one of the positives of Quizzes, because it encourages possibilities involving a lot of educated guesses. The answer that I intended was that all these English words are of Thamizh origin: Anaconda from ‘Yaanai Kondran’ (Elephant Killer), Cheetah from ‘Siruthai’, Cash from ‘Kaasu’, Mango from ‘Maangaai’ and Ginger from ‘Inji’. Another Etymology question was “X is a richly flavored soup of Anglo-Indian origin, spiced with curry powder and served with a dollop of tangy sour cream. X translated literally from Tamizh means pepper water”. The soup is Mulligatawny, from the Thamizh ‘Milagu Thanneer’. Amazing how English borrows a lot from our language!

We are at the brink of facing a ‘never-before’ challenge of losing relevance due to an overwhelming influence of English. Not more than 10% of today’s existing languages are expected to survive the century. Thamizh, which has an unbroken chain of literary tradition, is facing a crisis today because a significant percentage of Thamizh people do not know to read or write in Thamizh. Tales of Chola and Pandya kings, Austere Avvaiyar’s classical literature, Our Architectural marvels, Supreme achievements in arts and culture are read more by foreigners in printed coffee table books than in fast forward Tamil homes. This has to Change. We have to take pride in our roots and represent our identities.

Interacting with the Participants

I took the liberty of introducing innovative rounds in the Quiz finals. One such round is ‘Minimalist Lyrics’ where the first line of a Thamizh Film song is represented in an image. The task is to find out the lyrics from its minimalist representation. Another round is, ‘Titular Books’ where the literary inspiration for prominent movie titles has to be found out. For example ‘Soodhu Kavvum’ is taken from the famous lines in Bharathiyar’s Panchali Sabatham. It was also fun naming the popular “pick your poison” quizzing round in Thamizh as ‘வேண்டப்பட்ட விரோதி!’

Quiz questions should give ‘Eureka Moments’ when the answers are revealed. “X is a Thamizh word for the ethnic group Yadava. Similar to Yadava, X also means both king and herdsmen. Ilangovadigal gave special mention to X in Silapathikaaram as they provided accommodation for Kannagi.” A word which means both king and herdsmen? ‘Kon’ is King, and ‘Ko’ means cow, hence, herdsmen are called Konaar! All Thamizh students have an acquaintance with the famous ‘Konaar Guide’.

Thamizh Book Shops have become glorified stationers where people queue up to buy “Tamil Guide Books” to pass an exam. No other Thamizh book sells as much. If a Thamizh Book sells a meager 5000 copies, it is considered a bestseller whereas the benchmark for other ‘light-read, skim through’ English ‘novels’ is in the million copies range. This is no rivalry, because, truly Thamizh has no enemies. One has to be living under a rock to be saying Thamizh isn’t universal and accommodating. Bharathiyaar asked to translate literary works of other languages into Thamizh alongside creating immortal Thamizh works.  “Every town is my town. Everyone is my kin. Good and bad don’t come from others” says an ancient Puranaanooru Poem. Relief comes from within. Thamizh is Innovating. One Quiz Question example would suffice.

“KaReFo is a non profit educational research organization founded by lyricist Madhan Karky. Their focus is on Tamil Computing and language growth. One of their beta products includes Agaraadhi.com, which introduces new foreign words into Thamizh. One example of the word is Thaami(தாமி) which roughly means ‘something one does to oneself’, the English original of which was an Internet Sensation in 2013.” Thaami is the Thamizh word for Selfie!

There is no denying the fact that it is important to learn foreign languages to be connected to the world. But to be connected to ourselves, we have to protect our voice amidst external qualms. We owe a debt to the forthcoming generations to preserve the unbroken literary tradition. That is the message of the quiz, to keep learning, to reach for the sky while also staying deep rooted in our identities. Say Welcome to English and Thamizh will reply back in kind as ‘Vanakkam’!

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21 thoughts on turning 21

There are countless WebPages with the same title, providing free insights into life by citing out personal examples.

This is my personal version of the same, my look back archive and my collective wisdom of 21 years typed out so that I don’t keep forgetting them, as always.

This is my 21 years in review, so to say. In no particular order.

1.       Turning 21 can be weird. Suddenly, you get to feel like an adult when honestly, you are just an overgrown kid with an appetite for an extra pizza or a dosa in my case. Come to think of Thalaivar’s song in Baasha “Ni Ettaam Ettuku Mela Irundhaa Nimadhi Illa”, 1/3^rd of your peaceful life is over. Only 2/3^rd is left. Make it count.

2.       We learn more from movies about life, than from life itself. So, we better develop a good taste for films to learn the wisest lessons and have the most fulfilling entertainment. I have 560 movies listed in my IMDb watchlist out of which at least 200 are pure trash. That is 28000 hours of my life I am not getting back. Life is too short to be wasted on bad movies. We develop a taste by making mistakes, but we shouldn’t forget to remember them. Watch Biographical movies, to garner free inspiration. When in doubt, watch Christopher Nolan or Mani Ratnam films to get a hang of artistic and imaginative film-making.

3.       All our life, we have been reading books for passing exams; its time we read books for passing life. There is no better company than a good book. Reading is THE BEST habit, which eventually aids in finding your passion and helps you connect with yourself. I have read 165 books of various genres in 2 languages and some of the best moments of my existence were my experience of reading them. Money cannot buy bliss, but it can sure buy books. Better now,        e-books are free to download. If you shirk from reading books, you rob yourself of an opportunity for all-round mental development. If you are reading this, you are a reader already. Happy Reading.

4.       Keep a Journal. Write everything down. Keep a catalog of everything you find significant in life. Trivial things can also be significant. Anything not documented is lost in this immense eternity of life. The rate at which we forget things is astonishing.  To remember things, put pen on paper and write them down. Or better, put fingers to keys and type them down. They possess the same value as old photographs. Pictures are visual memories, Journals are thought memories. Don’t miss out on collecting your thoughts!

5.        Be a dreamer. Your dreams are the ones that will push you forward. ’When you deeply desire something, the entire universe conspires for you to achieve it’ says Coelho. I can cite a personal example. I’ve always wanted to study Sanskrit formally, but never chose it even as a third language in school due to fear of failure. But the desire to learn the language was burning deep down within me. And the universe conspired for me to achieve it. In a sudden twist of fate, my university announced a new compulsory additional language course, which had to be a language you didn’t study in school. Call it coincidence but maybe the universe works in a coincidental way. “You are what your deep, driving desire is. As your desire is, so is your will. As your will is, so is your deed. As your deed is, so is your destiny.” -Brihadaranyaka Upanishad.

6.       Find your passion. Discover yourself. Find what makes you tick. Pursue it till you achieve excellence.  For me, Writing is a passion. It is my inner calling. It is my way of being immortal. To write is to be vulnerable, because you take your intimate thoughts and disclose it to the world. Writing brings within it a risk of judgement and a loss of personal identity. It gives room for people to judge you based on your writing. But the way I see it, it is an occupational hazard- to open yourself up to criticism from every nook and corner is a form of bravery. I have written 40 poems, 2 short stories, 5 plays, 6 articles and 1 short film script till date. In Thamizh and English. Writing is my way of connecting to my self. It is a way of touching human hearts, weaving magic through words which reverberate in the minds of people long after you are gone.

7.       All my life, I have had arguments, shout-outs, and debates with my peers, friends and family on topics innumerable. Ah, the futility of it! I have never won an argument even when I was right. I was debating personal viewpoints which were prejudiced, or worse, I ended up hurting people’s self pride. People don’t change their viewpoints just because you shove your facts and thoughts upon their heads. It happens only when they are left to their own tools. Talk. Don’t Argue. An argument is always a lose-lose scenario. If you want to win it, remember Dale Carnegie’s wise words”There is only one way in high heaven to win an argument, and that is to avoid it”.

8.       Build your own ethical system with some moral boundaries, and try never to cross that line. Personal ethics is important to maintain order in the society. Dharma exists; Karma has a physical validity; though their workings are shrouded in mystery. Nobody knows what is right at all circumstances. So make an informed choice about how you would like to react in a given scenario. You are free to choose, but you are not free of the consequences of your choice. And that choice will determine who or what you are.

9.       There is no point in poisoning your body with destructive toxins like cocaine, heroin, cigar, tobacco and other extensive forms of alcohol. Of course, you can argue about passionately getting high and enjoying the pleasures they give. I think of these drugs like the whips lashed on bulls to make them run faster. It does not create any new energy in the bull, just a temporary high to drain its power quickly. These drugs do just the same. A wise man refrains himself from being a slave to anything. You can always choose to be unwise though. No Offense.

10.   People do bad things because it yields them quick results. It gives them fresh opportunities that good things sometimes cannot provide. We are all human, and we all make mistakes, and sometimes we feel guilty for them. Apologize when you are wrong, and accept that others are susceptible to mistakes too. When you look at your own flaws, mistakes of others would seem trivial.

11.   Travel. Travel to learn. Travel to discover. Travel to experience. It gives a fresh new perspective on life. Travel alone if you wish. But travel with people you love, it helps you rekindle the relationship with them.

12.   Have a hero. A role model. It could be your family, a friend, a teacher, a sportsperson, anyone. Because having heroes sets a higher standard which gives you something to live up to. My personal hero is Rahul Dravid. For his unmatched dedication to the sport, elegant gameplay, his team spirit, and unparalleled humility. Listen to his “God’s delays are not God’s Denials” speech and Bradman Oration to know his stroke of genius.

13.   Be a Hero for someone. Be an inspiration for somebody. There is heroism in simple things. When you teach a class or your peers; when you shoulder a crying friend; when you help the bereaved; when you inspire people to write; when you recite poetry and move people; There are innumerable ways to make the world a better place to live in. And each one of us can play protagonist in this unrehearsed play of life.

14.   Family is important. Make time for them. It is easy to forget their sacrifices. No Matter how high you reach, they have always carried you in their shoulders through thick and thin. Remember that, always.

15.   The world can do with more people with an emotional intelligence. People with a good sense of humor, people who do not complain for trivialities, people who can empathize. Do the world a favour and be such a person. Learn to laugh at yourself; it is a sign of maturity. Because life is too short to be taken too seriously.

16.   Be a patriot. Be a part of representative democracy. The only way to stop politicians and bureaucrats from misusing their power is to confront them with electorates which are constantly aware of the mishappenings. Getting in touch with your roots is essential for representing your identity. Know your motherland and take pride in your mother tongue. 

17.   Be a student of life. Never stop learning. There’s always a whole lot you don’t know. Be ready to accept that you don’t know something. Everyone you meet, every situation in life can teach you something, if you permit it to. Education is something different, something forced. Learning is what you do to yourself, it is voluntary and it is self-enriching. Be Curious, and Learn.

18.   Stop Comparing. No, not all of us are beautiful. Not all of us are rich. Not all of us are born in an influential family. Not all of us have high grades. Not all of us have an athletic physique. Not all of us possess musical or acting talent. If you don’t stop comparing and complaining, you can never get ahead. Happiness is always a choice, immaterial of the presence of beauty, money, power or possessions. The most important asset that you can own is happiness and inner peace. Last I checked, no Fortune 500 company pays you that. Only you can pay yourself that.

19.   Life is a wonderful privilege. Count your blessings, for, not everyone is on an equal footing as you are. You are privileged to have been born with perfect physical health, with a caring family, with 3 square meals a day, with good education, nice dresses and funny friends. With great privilege, comes great responsibility. Use this privilege to give something in return to the society, for we won’t be taking anything when we depart, as Thalaivar so fondly reminds.

20.   There is god. Even the most ardent atheists agree that a supreme power governs life, going by the name of nature. Come to think of it. Trillions of drifting atoms come together in an intricate manner to create life. Why would inanimate, unconscious atoms take so much trouble to being a part of you? Even if it were a cosmic accident, how could these unthinking, unprogrammed, specks of matter make up so many diverse forms of life? And what is this consciousness thingy which constitutes an individual’s mind? If we are all collections of atomic life forms, why don’t we all act, think and behave in unison? And what is this death? Where is the consciousness lost to, because everything must be conserved in the laws of nature?  There is always room for god, as science doesn’t explain everything.  It doesn’t matter which god you believe in, as long as you believe in one. Stop fighting for your god, because no matter who this god person is, he/she/it cannot be egoistic enough to favour only sections of people. God is a belief. I believe in god. I believe there is more to the world than meets the eye. Just my thought.

21.   Freedom is bliss. The ability to choose what you do, who you meet, where you eat, and when you sleep, that is the most basic form of freedom. And how blissful even such a primitive freedom is. Imagine the higher forms of freedom.  Being limitless. Being without the confines of body, intellect and mind. Being without any constraints of space and time. Just…. Being free. That is the ultimate thought, the last dream and the final goal. Liberation aka Moksha.

 Reply to the following ID for your Comments!

harishsankar93@gmail.com

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The tale of a ‘booksmith’

Once upon a time, there lived a ‘booksmith’. On the lines of blacksmiths and goldsmiths, a booksmith is a person who forges and makes things out of books. He is a person who spends more time with books than with people. They are the best friends he never asked for. Other people constantly wonder how the booksmith is always comfortable being alone. But he rather likes being in the company of a mind than a person. He finds his bliss in books. He worships writers and the long walk to the library is his pilgrimage. Still upon this time, there lives this booksmith. This is the simple tale of his lifelong romance with books. It could be you, it could be me, it could be anyone, and that is the whole point of being a booksmith.

I was always a curious child; Passionate and inquisitive in a certain manner. I was that weird kid who pesters his dad to get him more books than chocolates. I wouldn’t bother reading School Curriculum but books were my brain fodder. It was Tamil Magazines that first spurred my interest in science. I still can’t forget how I used to cut out the most interesting nuggets and experiments from the magazines and paste them on a note making a magazine of my own. I grew up without Google; hence books were my only source of knowledge. Google is like an elevator. It is faster and easier, agreed. But that doesn’t replace all the staircases in the world. Books are my staircases; they can take me up or trip me down. But they are always there for me, awaiting my journey.

Being curious, I always ask questions: to parents, to teachers and to friends. There was an instance in high school when I was uncomfortable with the idea of ‘pi’ being irrational. The number pi was both infinite and non-repeating. I thought: How could a number go on forever? Who has programmed the decimals that follow 3.141? How is this seemingly mysterious number connected to the fates of any circle of any radius? I asked this question, in a quite persistent way to my teacher who put off my question and also numbed me down by telling I was wasting precious class time. I was forced to give in to the system but I didn’t give up my hope for better prospects. Sometimes later I had the good fortune of learning under Prof.Ravi Sankar who welcomed the spirit of questioning. He quoted Carl Sagan” There are naive questions, tedious questions, ill-phrased questions, questions put after inadequate self-criticism. But every question is a cry to understand the world. There is no such thing as a dumb question”  and suggested us to read his books. I then tried Carl Sagan’s books and heard his voice speaking clearly and directly inside my head.

In his novel Contact, the protagonist Ellie is in a similar situation of getting ridiculed by her teacher for asking a ‘stupid question’. I could relate to the character, empathize with her and learn how she handled such situations. She ended up being an astrophysicist. She might be just a fictional character, but she inspired me that it pays off to be curious and inquisitive. And it did. I never stopped my quest towards knowledge and continued asking questions until I got an answer. And that passion to read, that spirit to always learn more, got me into Research Science Initiative- a summer research program at IIT

                 To me, Science isn’t just a repository of facts and definitions. It is a way of thinking. There is a way to approach science and I learnt it, surprisingly, from reading the Harry Potter books. The following is a paragraph from Harry Potter 6.

"Let us ask Potter how we would tell the difference between an Inferius and a ghost" said Snape. The whole class looked around at Harry, who said, "Er--well — ghosts are transparent". "Oh, very good," interrupted Snape, his lip curling. "Yes, it is easy to see that nearly six years of magical education have not been wasted on you, Potter. 'Ghosts are transparent."'

Pansy Parkinson let out a high-pitched giggle. Several other people were smirking. Harry took a deep breath and continued calmly, though his insides were boiling, "Yeah, ghosts are transparent, but Inferi are dead bodies, aren't they? So they'd be solid —" "A five-year-old could have told us as much," sneered Snape. "The Inferius is a corpse that has been reanimated by a Dark wizard's spells. It is not alive, it is merely used like a puppet to do the wizard's bidding. A ghost, as I trust that you are all aware by now, is the imprint of a departed soul left upon the earth, and of course, as Potter so wisely tells us, transparent. "

"Well, what Harry said is the most useful if we're trying to tell them apart!" said Ron. "When we come face-to-face with one down a dark alley, we're going to be having a look to see if its solid, aren't we, we're not going to be asking, 'Excuse me, are you the imprint of a departed soul?'"

There was a ripple of laughter, instantly quelled by the look Snape gave the class.

What Harry Potter suggested is how one should approach Science. He makes a simple but careful observation on whether the creature in question is transparent or solid, based on a physically well defined parameter and makes a deduction from that observation. It is a decision based on experimental observation and not definition or mere hearsay. To me, that is the essence of scientific method.

I write mostly Tamizh poems. I’ve aced the poetry competitions, recited my poems during Independence and Republic day celebrations in school. Strangers have congratulated me on my choice of simple words in poetry. But writing has never been easy for me. It is a struggle I am willing to take. Sometimes I just sit alone in the night and think of all the anguish in my heart and truly wonder if anyone will ever want to make sense of all that I am. Writing is my way of discovering myself. If you give me an ear, I’ll give you a voice. If you give me your heart, I’ll give you a poem

How has reading books made me, me? Passionate readers can’t resist the temptation to try their hand at writing. They want to weave magic with their writing; to paint a picture with words and to convey thoughts with their expressions. To give back to the world of writing that has given them so much.

                                                                                              

If I had not read Bharathiyaar, Vairamuthu or Gibran’s inspiring works, I could never have put words to paper. If I didn’t read, I could never have written.                                     Great short stories kindle the creativity in me. I read a simple short story by Kalki about two friends who get separated due to the politics concerning a village election. The story sunk in my heart, and stuck in my vision for so long that I wanted to adapt it and look at that world all for myself.

I wrote a script adapted from the short story with the necessary additions and modifications while also acting in the skit which went on to win the university level skit competitions. Writing is a hard climb, but in the end, the view is great. It gives me a satisfaction like no other. Now, if I didn’t read, where would I go looking for inspiration to strike me?

Tamil books connect to me on a more personal level than English books. Ponniyin Selvan and Sivagamiyin Sabatham are literary gems. But such great pieces of literature remain largely unknown to the Tamil Audience. I have taken it as a personal mission to translate at least 5 Nobel Winning English Books to Tamil and popularize the existing Tamizh works. That is a booksmith’s bound duty.

What goes into good writing? What makes good writing great?

I remember from a childhood magazine Chutti Vikatan, of a slim, chudidhar wearing Maya Teacher with a magical flying carpet who can take us to places beyond our wildest imagination. She took us to Jurassic Age showing dinosaurs, took us to junkyards and took us to free space. The writer’s success remains in making the reader yearn to belong to the world the author creates. The writer’s success lies in painting the picture perfect visual in our minds. I still remember Maya Teacher and still crave for her adventures in the magical carpet.

Great literature classifies as art. Art should disturb the comforted and comfort the disturbed.  And art should bring about a transformation.

Everyone remembers ‘The Christmas Carol’. Ebenezer Scrooge is a character that is etched in the permanent memory of all people. His name has now come to mean a nasty, anti-social, mean, miser. Nobody could ever forget how he snapped the idea of celebrating Christmas as “humbug” and how he has the capitalist mentality of not caring for workers and how he shows apathy for the homeless by asking “Are there no workhouses?”. It takes three ghosts in the same night to bring about his miraculous transformation.

On the surface, it may seem like a morality tale modeled on the template of Aesop’s Fables. But the ability of a writer to bring in deeper layers and different levels in his writing is his most supreme achievement. Scrooge stands for the typical capitalist entrepreneur whose obsession with money outweighs the need of community and family values. And people like Scrooge are the exact people who Karl Marx stood against. Marx must have had Scrooge in his mind

when he wrote Das Kapital, and Communist Manifesto while suggesting a social revolution to abolish such meaningless capitalism. That is what a good piece of writing can do: it can create unforgettable characters, it can enable thinkers, and inspire generations. While Marx saw communist revolution as the only solution to the problem, Dickens considers the human aspect, that people are capable of change. The Christmas Carol is a tale of redemption and is proof that the pen is mightier than the sword.    

            Books open up the human mind for possibilities. They prepare the human race for what’s coming. Their imaginations have fueled the drive of scientists, philosophers and thinkers. A simple example would suffice. Alice in Wonderland was written before the advent of  

Quantum mechanics and Relativity. And the newly discovered scientific principles defied common sense. Moving Clocks tick slower; faster objects get lighter; and it was quantum mechanically possible for a particle to be at two places at once. How could scientists accept such logic defying scientific truths? It was Alice who taught them to believe as many as six impossible things before breakfast. And they trusted that the universe is much richer than our everyday experience would have us believe. The scientists came down the rabbit hole to find the wonderland of Relativity and Quantum Physics and accepted the truths even when they didn’t make sense outside the wonderland.

 In a world that is so stressful, so cruel and so boring, books are the sole provider of pity, comfort, happiness and love. Books can work magic. It has the power to transform people’s lives. Books are time-travel devices. I have lived with Raja Raja Chozha, took in the same air as Gandhi, Shook hands with Steve Jobs and even walked amongst fire breathing dragons. If that isn’t magic, I don’t know what else is.

Forever upon this time, there will be a lot of booksmiths. It could be you, it could be me, it could be anyone, and that is the whole point of being a booksmith. While the whole world is busy waging wars, these booksmiths will transcript their tales and make peace with the piece of parchment they read. And they will live happily ever after.

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A Remembrance Letter

From

Me,
Obviously.

To

You,
Where it Belongs.

Dear,

I hope this letter finds you in eternal bliss and perpetual happiness. Every time you read this, you must know that you have made your choice, and a good one at that. Your choice to leave me.

Do you remember falling in love? I don't. But I can't help but remember us falling out of it. I remember. Every little detail of it, completely. I still remember that moment of pain when our relationship shattered in front of my own eyes and my love being torn apart with you walking away.

So here I am, trying to think of what went wrong; Guessing too hard about your emotions which you never show; Pushing myself to analyse if our times together were real. In this letter I will get happy, maybe angry, sometimes even sad. Beyond the veils of these emotions I portray, look hard to find some true facts. You will have some food for thought.
I'm now going through a burden of my past memories.
Because if we treat our past with nonchalance, it will come back hard to haunt us.
That' why I feel I will have to share it with you.

The first time when I saw you, nothing dramatic happened. The sky did not fall over the roof. The ground was still at my feet. But then, you cast a gaze upon me. A gaze which was cruel enough to strike my heart with fierce pain. Maybe that's why you are such a Heart-Throb.
For an year, I never knew your name. I didn't even bother finding out. Because I felt you were mine. And Because, after looking at your eyes, my brain functionality does stop. No, I'm not going to make metaphors about your eyes. Silly, what's the point in comparing beauties?

We all have friends. Some friends for a reason, some for a season. And some for a lifetime. Both of us had such mutual friends. And so, the circumstantial social pressure was the reason for our friendship.
Before I liked how you were. But then, I started to fancy you. I liked everything about you. The way you talk, the way you walk, the way you smile, the way you show style.
We had meaningful conversations. You once told me "Looks are merely a facade. Its the living room of heart that needs to be beautiful." And you mean what you say. I respected your philosophies of life.
Somehow, you unsophisticated my life. It was all plain, easy.

We didn't talk much, but texted a lot. It's always been like that. We haven't spoken much to each other. But the mutual affection between two people could not be measured by merely the number of words they exchange. Sometimes, what couldn't be said in person without awkwardness, can be texted with ease.
I think somewhere between, "Hi, what doing?" to "I wish you stay like this forever", I fell in love with you.

It was strange. I didn't know what it meant, to me, to us.
I didn't know if I had to be honest and tell you that feeling, or hide the fact to save our friendship.
I didn't know if you loved me.
I formulate the question in my head.
I ask myself whether it is something that I really want to know.
I ask myself whether the answer will probably make me happy or sad.
You could have even refused to answer, and I might think of the worst.
So I did what all the brave boys do: drop it like honey, instead of pouring it like milk.
I was dropping you hints. The clues to find out the path to my heart.
But, you were smart. You knew already. And, you were brave. You gave me a green signal before I even made a move.
On that midnight, something unique happened. Nobody proposed. Nobody accepted.
We said we love each other.

Life after that, was on a whole new plane. It was happiness, served in a silver spoon.
It's not just about the love. It's about the responsibility, the respect, the reality of it which makes it better.
We had our share of fights, but we always got back. We had our whole life planned ahead of us.
We had our moments.
I look back at what you did to me.
You lifted me up as a person. You bared my grief. You shared my pain. You were an integral part of my life. How nice it is, to have someone interested in you, to care about you, always, forever.

It was like magic. But sadly, magic can sometimes be just an illusion.

When you are in love, reality doesn't affect you much. You give importance to trivial things, and forget the most important ones. You think its going to last forever, but forever does come with an expiration date.

I don't know what it was. Maybe it was me, maybe it was you, maybe it was your dad, maybe it was our life. Apart from assigning blames, the hard reality that striked me was, you wanted to breakup.
Break-up. Just like that.
I know once you have made up your mind, there was no convincing otherwise.

I had sleepless nights. I wondered how you had the courage to speak those words to me. I thought how you could be so rude to not even tell me why.
I thought about it. Maybe it was something I did. But then, you said I was fine, it was not me.
I didn't know why. It eluded me. It was an Identity Crisis. I didn't know who I was anymore. I felt lonely without you. I felt angry with you, for putting me in this state. I felt sad that it had come to an end.
I need you to give me a reason why I feel so depressed.
I need a reason why I cannot concentrate on anything but you.
My world is turning upside down. I'm spinning round and round.
I want to know why you gave me hope and then took it all away.

There was a time when I was afraid to lose you. I was afraid you may not need me as much as I need you. When my worst fears came true, I didn't handle it well.

I said myself I won't remember you. But every time I say that, I always end up remembering you. Now when you were gone, I realized how much I loved you. I realized how many petty fights we could have avoided, how many perfect moments we could have had. Thinking about you, I always cry. I used to be a strong person who never cried. But now that you are gone, I realize you were my strength.

You feel bad for me now. You say you still love me, but we can't be together. You say we are like parallel lines with a lot in common, but can never join. You have your reasons and I respect your privacy.
And I love you enough, to let you go!
I just wonder if you spare a moment to think of me. If I still mean the same to you.
But apart from that, I'm learning to move on.

Now, why write a letter about things which both of us already know?
Because in my experience, I have learnt that the most common feature in human nature is to forget.
The rate at which we forget things is astonishing.
So, this is a remembrance letter, to remind you of our past.
To remind you of a fragment in your past which you will try hard to forget.
So cheers, go ahead and make your life.

Yours always,
Me.

P.S.  I love you.


Footnote: Incidents portrayed are fictional constructs. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely      coincidental.

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Uglier on The Inside

You look at me.
All dark,coy and small.
Because you see,
I'm not even that tall.

Searching for some style,
You stare at my face.
But it ends so futile
That you won't find a trace.

Moment enough to judge,
When you will all agree.
And I wont hold a grudge,
When you think I'm so ugly.

"Beauty is only skin deep"
That's what they have to say.
But look inside, be a creep
When the sun shines, make some hay.

What is it you find?
If you seek beauty,
Honestly I don't mind
If you find me empty.

For,
I am uglier on the inside.

Beauty is obvious,
Beauty is loud.
It stands out impervious
Throughout the crowd.

And with me as another nameless face,
I am not beautiful.

Every picture, every opinion,
every reflection and every description,
they don't say I'm beautiful.

I can't agree more.
But I am uglier on the inside.
And I am ugly,
In ways you don't know.

I'm scared of people.
I don't always know what to do.
It's not that simple
To make me happy or sad too.

I judge.
I overanalyze.
I procrastinate.
I stumble.
I'm stupid.

I fish for compliments.
I wish for happiness.
But all I'm left with
Is my own laziness.

I always speak back.
When someone confronts.
I ask for feedback
But leave them with disgrunts.

I am
Vaguely insecure.
Irritably impure.

I make mistakes that I don't even accept.

I don't help.
I don't move.
I don't trust
And I can't even love.

I have false hopes.

I'm full of flaws I'm aware,
Striving for improvement,
Can't say I don't care
Of these vices which lay dormant.

I try to change.
But I break.

I do things that I don't want to.

Everytime I push harder.
But nothing ever changes.

You look at me,
and think I am mad.

But I always remember,
You know my story.
Not what I've been through.

I agree if you think I'm ugly.
I smile to whatever you say.

Mine is a tragedy.
It is beauty waiting to happen.

And I have hope.
That you think I'm ugly
But love me anyway. 

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